This is it (for a while, at least)

After thinking about what I wrote yesterday, I’ve decided what’s best for me right now is to take a break. Indefinitely. Maybe just a few days, maybe a week, month, or maybe this really is it. I don’t know. But I’m just not getting as much joy from doing the blog as I used to, so I think I need to stop for a while.

First off, let me state that I do not make any money from this blog whatsoever.  Google Adsense has offered, but we all know full well that they do not approve of adult content.  Same goes for a Paypal donation button.  And yeah, I did add affiliates somewhat recently, but I knew I’d be lucky to make $5 from them.  Let’s just say I haven’t been lucky.  However, all that said, I don’t do this blog to make any money.  It’s a labor of love.  But lately, it’s been much more of a labor.

It does take a lot of time to prep these posts.  And I essentially wile away my weekends doing so.  Often at the sacrifice of being with my real life friends, spending time with my BF, or just doing other things that I want to do.  I’m starting to realize that I have more online fetish friends than I do real life friends.  While I enjoy chatting with many of them, it’s certainly no replacement for actual human contact.  Especially with a birthday looming in the cards for me.  I think I’m having my mid-life crisis a year too late.

I had an interesting discussion with Restwalker a while ago about about being an internet (fetish) celebrity.  Now, I would argue that I’m not an internet celebrity at all.  But I do have to admit a small dose of fame, I suppose.  Which is a real mixed blessing.  While it’s good for the ego, it’s also very frustrating.  I can’t tell any of my friends or family about it.  Yes, they know I’m gay, but they don’t know I have a fetish side, and I prefer to keep it that way.  Not out of any sense of shame, but just because I feel it’s too personal for me to share them.  While I so admire Tynan Fox for being so open and public, in my own life, I prefer to be more private about such things.  Also, I don’t want people I know to know because it could possibly interfere with my work.  And lastly, with increased fame comes increased expectations and responsibility.  And I don’t know if I’m up for that.  I’m just a regular guy, posting what I love.

I even talked about this with my boyfriend last night.  While he knows I have a blog, he rarely visits it.  Partly because it makes him uncomfortable (he prefers to be a very private person), and secondly, he feels that if I have one, he should give me my own space to do it.  I told him my frustrations, and he agreed it’s a good idea for me to stop for a while.  But he also brought up the point that it’s actually somewhat difficult for him to avoid my blog, and that it keeps appearing to him via various links.

Which is also a weird feeling.  I do know a few major fetish blogs have linked and featured me.  But a lot haven’t, too.  Which is fine–I’m not looking for fame.  But it’s kinda odd to have fame and not have fame at the same time.  Part of me says that I should either push this through to the big time and make some part time money off of it, or just go back to being anon.  Being in the middle is no fun.  Does that make any sense?  At least, I feel like I’m in the middle.  I guess that’s where it’d help to hear from you, the readers, more often.  I don’t need to have a comment for every single post, but if there’s a notable one, where I’ve clearly put in some extra effort… well then, some feedback is appreciated.  Because when I don’t hear anything, I feel utterly alone, like I’m posting in outer space.  And that’s no fun either.  When I see 1000+ people have visited my blog in a day, but not one person says anything of thanks, you kinda start to feel unappreciated and a bit robbed.  Like you set up your house for a grand party, and everyone came and ate and had a good time, but maybe only 10 of them said a word to you, the host.  While you’re grateful for the 10 that did thank you, you really start to wonder about the other 990 people that didn’t.  It kinda feels like that.

I imagine I will come back to this eventually… just not sure when. So don’t write it off completely. I choose the title “This is it” because it is reported that Michael Jackson (a few years before he died) said this of a tour he was going to do, claiming repeatedly it was going to be the last one of his career. And within months of saying so, he announced another tour. Perhaps it will be the same for me, too.  In fact, at this point, I have over 20 posts that are actually already drafted and ready to go, as well as 100s of pics on my computer waiting to be uploaded.   And I’m sure I’ll be collecting more pics during this hiatus.  It’s kind of weird to think they’ll be “collecting dust” on the shelf, so to speak… but on the other hand, that means when the mood does strike me to post again, I can do so in a heartbeat.  And in fact, I do have one last special reader contribution set of pics that I’m saving for that triumphant return.

In the meantime, I do have some posts from readers that I will put up over the next few days, out of respect for their contributions. So expect one more week. But after that… I don’t know.  A few of you have written saying how much you do appreciate the blog, and I do thank you for that.  Frankly, I’ve been pleasantly surprised at some of the feedback I’ve now heard.  But I still need some time for myself now.  I’m sure I’ll be back, but I don’t know when, and how often I’ll be posting when I do. 

For the record, at the moment, I do plan to keep up my Captured Heroes blog. That one is a lot less pressure and work, and I get more response for it, so I haven’t had these same issues there.  So you can still visit that for gear, bondage, and the occasional feet fun.

This has been a difficult decision for me.  I’ll say a formal farewell on Saturday after I post all the leftover reader contributions.  Thanks for listening, and thanks for visiting.  Hope you’ve enjoyed it.

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