TFG Thoughts: Long Term, Monogamous Kinky Relationships

So an old post by tallglassofoj on his blog got me thinking about how many of us have successful, longer term kinky relationships.  Off the top of my head, I can think of Fossil9 and TOIL.  I don’t know Kai very well, but based on his tweets, he seems to have a pretty kinky LTR.  And of course, there’s me.

I’m sure there are many, many more.  But here’s the interesting part… not many of them (that I’m aware of) are monogamous.  Most of them seem fairly open, at least to a certain degree.  There’s a lot of play with various people, and with various degrees of interaction.

Kinky monogamy seems pretty elusive.  Maybe as much, as the joke goes, as “gay black republicans”.  But is a long term, monogamous kinky relationship a possible thing?  Or a desirable thing?

I began thinking about this further when talking with my favorite cyber slave.  As I’ve grown to know him, we’ve become friends as well.  And he expressed to me that he doesn’t know if he wants to be a full time slave, or be in a long term relationship (or at least have dates).

This raised a good point with even myself.  I am in a very happy, long term relationship.  And I’d call it monogamous.  We’re fairly kinky, but I do have to admit that with my BF, it’s more bondage only.  He’s not all into feet (although he’ll humor me), and he’s really not into slave play, humiliation, Master/Dom, gunge.  So those parts of me go unfulfilled.  He begrudgingly does let me play with others, although I have to 1) tell him about it, 2) not have it happen often, and 3) not have actual sex.  As in, my dick remains in my pants.  Believe it or not, but I’m actually fine with all those conditions.  It is pretty rare that I do meet with others for play, and I have stayed within those guidelines every time.

It seems to be a problem on both sides of the fence.  A lot of kinky guys that you’d see on the sites are more about the experience of playing with others, sometimes as many as possible.  I get the sense a lot of gay kinksters have a circle of friends that all interact with each other.  They’re not looking for long term with any one person.  But some people, even kinky ones, may crave a long term partner.  At the same time, if you’re on a vanilla, more romantic and traditional “dating” site, how and when do you broach the topic that you’re into kink?  And what are the chances that the person you date even has the same or compatible kinks as you?  If they don’t, is that a deal breaker to the relationship?

In this day and age, you could question if a monogamous relationship is even meaningful to you.  There are certainly a lot of gay couples that have open relationships, even more so in the kink community, where slaves often get shared between Masters.  While it does work for some, it can also cause distrust and resentment if you’re not careful about how you handle it.

For me, I wanted more of a long term partner.  I found mine on a vanilla dating site (match.com, to be honest), and after two dates, it turned out we were also both kinky.  He also wanted a monogamous relationship.  I do play on rare occasions, but really, because of my infrequency and especially because of my “no sex” rule, do consider myself monogamous as well.

I suppose what I’m curious to know is that if I’m more of the exception in the kink community, or a rule.  I seem to lean towards the former based on what I see on other blogs, tumblrs, etc.  Are you in a monogamous kinky relationship?  If not, are you looking for one?

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