Sometimes when athletes train, they are told, “No matter how good you are, there’s always someone better.” Sometimes, bondage can feel the same way. No matter what we’ve done, all we can often think about is what we haven’t done and still want to try, making many people feel unfulfilled.
For argument’s sake, I’m going to categorize levels of bondage experience, and give my own, simplified definitions of how I view them. By no means is this meant to be a definition the community at large would agree with, but I think it will make my point.
- Total Novice: a person who’s never done any bondage activity. To them, their first experience may be with a simple pair of toy handcuffs, or being tied up with neckties or balls tied with shoelaces. These small but important first experiences can be a huge, memorable experience for them.
- Bondage Beginner: may have some gear bought from a local porn store. Not the greatest quality, perhaps, but it is specific gear. And that feeling of “real” restraints going on your wrists and ankles for the first time makes you weak in the knees.
- Bondage Intermediate: has much more gear. Most of it from a local porn store, but a few items have been ordered from a more quality source. This guy is starting to reenact some of the pics he’s seen online that had been fantasies for a long time.
- Bondage Advanced: has acquired quite a bit of gear, and is probably creating his own ideas that get spread around online. They are engaging in more intense activities such as cages, suspension, stocks, cells, etc.
- Bondage Elite: (which some may argue is the “old guard”) have known each other for years, and if they haven’t done it all, they know someone who has.
Do you see where I’m going with this? I often have a feeling that no matter how much I’ve done already, there’s always the next experience. It’s this semi-perpetual feeling of inadequacy. No matter where you are on the scale, you’re always looking to the next level up, never quite satisfied with where you are. And if you already are at the “top”, you may find yourself defending your views to the novices, who may question and challenge their perceptions. Things come full circle.
Once you move forward, it’s really difficult to go back. For instance, the first time I was hogtied, it was heaven. I was hard in an instant. Now there have been times where, if I get hogtied, I can feel like, “What, this position again?” Even my BF has this unspoken feeling that every bondage position we do has to be a little different than before. Well, after nearly a decade together, that gets pretty tough to do without some serious furniture investment.
Tumblrs, blogs (even mine), social media, etc. play both sides of the problem. On one hand, they can give great ideas and creativity, even if you are limited in supply. On the other hand, they can also serve as a reminder of what you don’t have or haven’t done… and may not ever get to do, depending on the circumstances. It can be frustrating.
Is this just me? Has anyone else ever felt this way?
I do have one big plus side to this “keeping up with the bondage Joneses”, at least for me personally… and I’ll share that thought next week. In the meantime, if you have any thoughts or feedback, feel free to comment or email me.
As you may recall, I had to punish a slave earlier for being a disobedient little bitch. His punishment continues now. These are a series of texts we sent that were particularly hot. There’s a few gaps, but you’ll be able to figure it out. I hope you enjoy seeing his total humiliation being shared with the world as much as I’ve enjoyed posting about it.
I’m the blue text, and he’s the gray. The check marks just indicate the message got read.
When I visit many kink blogs, or listen to the No Safe Word podcast, I often hear the word “headspace” used. And I think it’s an interesting term, because while I feel I have a basic understanding for what it is, I can’t say I’ve experienced it very much. Even so, I’m going to attempt to define it as I percieve it. I’m sure people will disagree or feel I’ve missed the point, and I would like to hear from those people, because I am certainly not claiming a lot of direct knowledge. But I have to give the word some sort of definition.
In my mind, headspace refers mostly (but not necessarily exclusively) to a scene with strong roleplaying. And that, to me, includes Master/slave, Dom/sub, Handler/pup, Villian/hero, etc. It can come from verbal orders, but that’s not necessarily required. Rough and direct physical handling can accomplish it as well, without words. It’s when a scene essentially transcends to a point where you’ve blocked all else out, where you lose your own sense of self, and give yourself over to the moment, shutting out the outside world. You totally connect with your partner (or partners, if it’s a group scene), and/or feel a loss of control and being.
It can generally only be achieved with a great sense of trust with the person (or persons–but for example’s sake, let’s just assume it’s a two person scene) you are working with. After all, if you are giving up that much control of your own self, it means you have great faith in the other person. And I think generally (although again, there can be exceptions), it takes some time to settle into a headspace. To shut out the outside world: bills to pay, that visit to your parents, those dishes in the sink–that takes a while. It’s almost like a form of meditation.
For me, one of the few times I felt it was an occasion where my partner tied me to a chair, and then put a spandex blindfold hood on me that did have an open mouth. He left me there for a while, teasing my body over a period of time. Eventually, he thrust his cock in my mouth and fucked my face. And I remember thinking to myself, “I’m nothing but a hole. Just a hole for his pleasure.” And it got me rock hard.
What about you? What do you think headspace is? Do you agree with my definition? And what’s one of the best experiences you’ve had with it? Contact me and let me know!