I’ve had many subs flake out on me for meets. I do understand some people can decide that a connection between two people for a kink meet isn’t there; there are many factors that determine that sort of chemistry. There has to be some physical attraction, mutual/overlapping interests, and a level of trust. If any of those are not met, it may not be meant to be.
So I don’t mind if a meet flakes out occasionally. It happens, especially early on. But I think it’s a bit different after you’ve had a long discussion with a guy, engaging in multiple messaging back and forth, discussing interests, limits, etc., where it seems to all be going well–then, when the rubber hits the road and I try to schedule an actual meet, they just vanish. No further response, no reply. Ghosted is now the term, and it’s happened to me more than once.
That’s more frustrating. After all, if the other guy wasn’t interested, then why did they waste my time with all those discussions? Just say right away you’re not interested, or even just stop replying early on. But to disappear after it all was seemingly going well is very mysterious to me.
What are the reasons for this? Well, since I never hear back from them, I can only speculate. But some of my thoughts are:
- Tech issues. Probably the modern equivalent to “the dog ate my homework”, but it does genuinely happen at times. The wifi cuts out, their phone dies or gets lost. By the time it’s fixed, the conversation is forgotten, or they’re too embarrassed to continue.
- Impetuous of youth. They grow bored easily, and their attention span jumps to another pretty profile rather than follow through. The chase is more thrilling for them than the actual quarry.
- Intimidation/Change of heart. Perhaps the promise of kink is more attractive than actually doing it. Kink is a great idea in the abstract. They get turned on by pics and vids, but aren’t quite sure how it all works in real life, and get cold feet.
- Real life intrudes. Fear of being discovered by non-kinky friends/family, or perhaps something genuine does come up in their real life that’s more pressing. Not to mention traveling for work or a vacation. One guy I chatted with ghosted me, and then after a long period began chatting again without any sort of explanation. I was a bit snippy at first, as I was cynical, until he said that his sister had become seriously ill. Fair enough.
Interestingly enough, I had an enlightening experience. Many years ago, I was began talking to cute young guy on Recon also into feet and bondage. We chatted for a bit, even doing a (rare, for me) phone call. We seemed to basically hit it off as far as I could tell, though he was more into clean feet, and a bit more leaning towards Domming. But then he disappeared. I’d see him visit my profile on occasion, and I’d even write him, but just no response. This went on for a while until I basically gave up… though I’d still cruise or message him every once in a while.
To my surprise, he finally cruised me back. And this time when I wrote him, he replied. I had an uncharacteristic day free, and wondered if he’d want to meet up. Admittedly that was quick and I knew it, but it was enough to get the ball rolling, and we texted for quite a while all day. And without any prompting from me, he straight up apologized for “ghosting” (his word, quite coincidental, as I had begun writing this post before he said it) me. His reasoning? He didn’t want me to quote his texts, so I have to paraphrase.
But it was a few things… first, he was a bit nervous to meet me. (Note to all… I’m very easy to get along with. I’m only mean when Doming during a session at the slave’s request, lol.) Also, he admitted he was young when we first talked, and he wanted to improve his own rope skills more first, and gain a few more kinky friends for his own sense of security. He also said he felt we were a bit at odds in interest, as I liked smelly feet and he liked clean (Note to all again… I can make my feet clean. There may still be a slight odor, but I can minimize it quite a bit.) Lastly, he said he had a couple of meets that were “off putting”, which I took to mean didn’t go well. So a combination of all those made him hide from me, though still poke his head up once in a while to check me out.
I did appreciate his apology, and it was insightful for me. In a way, none of my reasons that I listed above were correct. But it still makes sense. I am happy to report that while I didn’t end up meeting with this guy, we are are good terms, and do hope to connect for a real life meet in the future when our schedules coincide. Although he’s a bit pic shy, so I may just have to tell you about it later.
What other reasons can you think of? Or have you ever been the person who ghosted? If so, why? I won’t judge you, but I’d just be curious to know. Contact me!
UPDATE: The NoSafeWord podcast recently talked about this same topic. Listen to their thoughts on the matter here (Episode #210).
