As I left off, I was starting to acknowledge my burgeoning gay side in college. Again, since there was no internet option at the time, the newspaper was my only real option. It was then I put out a personals ad in the local paper. The equivalent today would probably be a Craigslist ad. I still remember to this day that my headline was “Discrete Adventure”, with my basic stats. I only got one respondent who was in his 40s. Being only 20, that sounded old to me, but I decided to give it a go. This is how I met James (not his real name–none of the names in this story are real).
I was very lucky that James turned out to be a very nice guy, and very young looking for his age. He did take me through my first sexual experiences, all oral. He loved blowing me, and who was I to argue? There was no fucking–the topic never even came up, and I had no interest in it–but I do still remember that after he sucked me off, he would want me to stand over him naked and fondle myself while he jerked himself off. This was such a common way for us to end, I remember even asking him with sincerity, “Do all guys finish like this?” He laughed and said no.
Before and after, he would also regale me with stories about other guys he had sex with, and I was amazed. He’d see a guy at the grocery store, and then they’d be in the stockroom having sex 10 minutes later. It was a world that was totally beyond me. I probably was with him sexually on and off for about a year. I never really considered us dating, nor do I think did he. We were just what would now be called fuck buddies.
Now that I had gotten some experience, I was more intense about some of my later college crushes. I did get in a bit of a love triangle… I had a huge crush on a guy named Juan, and his best friend Xander had a crush on me. Xander was a bit overweight and smoked, which were big turn offs for me. Juan, though, was funny, slim, and sexy. He did smoke as well, but infrequently. He was also very sexual, and loved teasing me. Like James, Juan would also tell me wild stories about his sexual adventures. He knew I was totally into him, but we didn’t do anything until years later, although we did become good friends. (I never did do anything with Xander, nor did I ever get very close to him.)
But aside from James, none of my gay sexual urges were being acted on. That changed a bit with a crush I developed at my first job. There was a guy named Christian who was a totally funny and innocent twink. Man, did I go for him. And he seemed to like me, we bonded instantly. I was still young and naive, and still wasn’t sure where exactly this was going. But in probably less than a week I spent the night at his house.
He had a waterbed. We began with playful wrestling (doesn’t it always?). His hand “accidentally” brushed my crotch. I remember saying, “Careful, or you might get me hard.” There was a pause, and then he meekly replied, “Would that be a bad thing?” I stared at him as I had him pinned under me, and complete understanding hit me. And like a bad gay teen movie, I dove in with a kiss. We made out like crazy and explored each other’s bodies (although I resisted his feet, because he seemed self-conscious about then and was very ticklish there to boot). We did suck each other off, and his mouth was tireless. He did start by saying, “Some holes are one-way only,” which I laughed and agreed. Afterwards, he told me I was his first. I thought that was pretty awesome, and I felt like a bit of a role model to him like James was to me.
We did have sex one other time not long after, but after that, we sort of drifted apart. But I did still see James throughout, and he was quite happy for me and Christian.
As my college years were winding down, I took a trip with my parents over the summer. By then, the evidence was mounting that I was gay, and I was planning to telling them after this trip. I wasn’t sure how I was going to approach it, as I’ve said before, my family didn’t really talk about this sort of thing. I ended up getting hurt during the trip. I was okay (minor fracture), but it was an ordeal at the time, and we had to find a hospital while on vacation. Once I was recovered and out of the hospital, I called James and told him about it. My parents were in the room, but I just told them I was calling a friend. I guess my demeanor must have changed a lot, because after I hung up, there was a long pause, and then my father asked softly, “Was that your boyfriend?”
I was in shock. I hadn’t expected them to approach the topic first. It took me completely off guard. I paused and replied, “Well, I was planning to talk to you about that after we got home.” He just nodded, and then acted like nothing had happened. Of course, when we did get home, I had no idea how to bring it back up again, so I didn’t. After all, I didn’t think of James as my boyfriend.
I got close with another person from that same job where I had met Christian, a guy named Noel. He was different because he was straight. But boy, did I have a crush on him. He was thin, blonde, and had a killer smile. He was funny and kind. It actually took me a while to realize it was a crush, because I think it was even a bit deeper than that… I think I loved him, but didn’t really realize it at the time. He loved me too, but it never did become sexual. Not even a kiss. It was like I loved him too much to even go that route. At the time, it honestly seemed beyond sexual. Besides, I was quite sure he was straight, and at the time… well, I wasn’t quite sure what I was, let alone how I should deal with how I felt about him. Thought I’m quite sure he didn’t know I had a foot fetish, he teased me with his feet. I would pretend to be grossed out, but secretly, I wanted to suck and kiss them so badly. We would roughhouse a bit, and his body had a very sexy smell that I still remember and miss to this day.
I continued being very close to Noel, even though nothing overtly sexual was happening. We were just best, best friends. Sadly, after a year, he enlisted in the military, and was about to move to Texas. I literally cried like a baby in my mother’s arms when he left. Fortunately, we did write often with letters that were pages long (again, before the internet and email).
It was while he was gone that I answered someone else’s ad in the newspaper, and I got my first boyfriend. I won’t bore you with all that right now, as the point of all this is how I came to understand my sexuality. I was pretty confident by then. I told other family members and friends, including Noel when he came back to visit during a leave. He did confirm that he was straight, but that he was my friend, and didn’t care. Another awesome TV movie-type moment, but it was true.
It took my parents longer to come around and talk about it openly with them, but in time, they did. And while I’m no longer with that first boyfriend (went through two serious relationships before I met the guy I’m with now), they fully support my current relationship. It’s been great.
