I ran across this post on a tumbr from my friend, The SideKink. With his permission, I’m reposting it below.
Kink and Loneliness
Something has been swimming around in my mind of late. The idea of loneliness. It’s not often talked about when people talk about the kink life, but it does come up in my conversations with other kinksters. One on one conversations usually. There isn’t a manual, a way to cope or talk about loneliness in the kink community. A lot of our blogs and treatise and codes of conduct focus on connection, on negotiation, on the presumption of community. But to date I haven’t read anything on how we deal with isolation.
Kinksters are a wonderful and vibrant community of sharing, giving an receiving and I never doubt that camaraderie, especially online. Through kink and the internet I have met some of the most steadfast people I have ever had the joy of getting to know. Teachers, friends and dare I say compatriots. But this doesn’t really negate the fact that as a kinkster I walk in a world that is decidedly vanilla. Whether that company is a straight, cisgender one or one filled with LGBTQ folks, I walk and live and breathe their world, and only experience a kinkier one when I steal a few glimpses on social media or have a kinky chat with a friend across the country, or across the world. This makes my experience of a kinkier world isolated, sparse and momentary…And then its back to a world of silence.
I’ve thought a bit about loneliness and how one deals with it. To my knowledge and own introspection this isn’t the loneliness I felt in grad school that caused my health to decline. It isn’t that severe. But it is loneliness all the same. What does community mean when you can’t just pop into a neighborhood leather bar and have a drink or a pub quiz night? What does community mean when the closest kinkster who shares your kink is a four hour or more drive away? What does community mean when you have to wait months or years before you can be in the company of your own people?
I sometimes feel untethered to any sense of a kink community. Chats and conversations and even sharing is good and gets me through most days…But sometimes I miss the presence, the physical and real presence of others like me. And it reminds me of that utter loneliness. To my experience I have not read how kinksters deal with loneliness and isolation in an otherwise vanilla world. That isn’t in any manual I have found.
I think this raises many good points, and they’re not easily answered. I must fully admit even this blog of mine you’re reading right now largely deals in fantasy. They create the illusion that the world is kinky, and allows one to get their cock hard. But the reality can often be a very different story, and I can relate to what he’s saying.
Even though I’m happily married, and my partner shares many of my same kinks (primarily bondage), he doesn’t share all of them (feet, roleplay). And verbal play is a limit for him, which is something I now find I enjoy a great deal. So we don’t jibe in every aspect, and that can be enough to create some distance, which then translates to a certain loneliness.
And yes, I do get to meet up with other hot guys for scenes. But despite appearances, it may not be as often as you may think. Generally, a kinky meet with me lasts about 3 hours, because that’s all my schedule allows. I only meet with people when my husband travels out of town. That’s not how it sounds–I’m not going behind his back. But when he is here, I prefer to spend my time with him (unless it is a special circumstance). Plus, while he does know I meet up with other guys, admittedly he’s not thrilled about it, so I try to time it so it doesn’t directly affect him. So what may happen is that I’ll meet a few guys in a short period of time, take lots of pics, then post them gradually over a long period of time. In the meantime, months may go by before I get to have another scene like that.
Really, I’m not complaining. But I am trying to say it’s not the one after another hot bondage orgy-fest it may appear. For all the meets that do happen, just as many flake out and/or ghost. And rejection like that comes with a bit of baggage as well.
Because of privacy issues, I also don’t attend events such as Folsom, MAL, IML, etc. I’m not a drinker, so I don’t do the bar scene. So this all creates a bit of separation with myself and much of the kinky community. Much like The Side Kink, most of my kinky connections (outside my husband, of course) are strictly online. I guess I’m fortunate that because of my full time relationship, that’s typically enough. However, I still do have periods where I find myself feeling the way The Side Kink does.
All I can say is make the best of the connections you do have. The upside to all this is that the kink community, even online, is a pretty strong one. Take advantage of it, and reach out for as much support as you can.
If you have any thoughts, ideas, or comments, please leave them below or Contact Me!
