NOTE: While the events in this post are true, some of the events described in this post are not things I necessarily condone. It is not meant to be read as an endorsement of such behaviors, just a discussion about them, and perhaps how to prevent them.
I recently had a conversation with a sub I was meeting with, and have meet with before. I’ll call him SlaveA. Very nice guy, and quite experienced both as a sub and Dom. And he was sharing with me stories of some of his other meets. SlaveA told that someone he knew and trusted recommend a particular Dom to him. While I don’t know if they talked much before the meet, I got the sense they didn’t discuss details. SlaveA found that as soon as he walked in the door, the Dom had him in chains, and began slapping and punching him. He actually began to cry. The Dom them left him in a room by himself for an hour, and told him, “You’re not going to leave.” SlaveA did ultimately stick out the rest of the scene (I don’t know if I would have), and since he now had a sense for what he was in for, seemed to have no further problems.
To me, that scene is a problem–if nothing else, in the outset. SlaveA is actually quite interested in pushing his limits, which is the reason he decided to stay. He did admit that while he was scared at the time, after it was over, he admitted it was all very hot.
This got me to thinking about pushing limits. We did both agree that sometimes, during a scene, something happens that may not necessarily cross your limit, but does push it. And sometimes, it’s a challenge to see if you can make your way through it. It may not be pleasurable at the time, but if it is accomplished, it can ultimately been seen as a positive experience. I can see that side of things.
That said, I think that scenario can generally be successfully accomplished only if some conditions are met. Either the sub/Dom already know each other very well and have met multiple times before, or the sub/Dom have discussed in detail how to handle the situation, and still establish some sort of emergency safeword/signal.
I know for some who want to push their limits, having a safeword at all may already take them out of their headspace. I can understand that side of things, but unless you have an incredibly trusting relationship with your Dom (and some will), I personally feel it’s generally too risky to not have any sort of at least emergency safeword. I think in the scene SlaveA described, no discussion, negotiation, or safeword was established at all… and it was their first met. While I’m still not convinced SlaveA should’ve stuck around, I also wonder what the Dom was thinking to go right into that level of intensity without any prior discussion. I also don’t know if any aftercare was provided to SlaveA, but if prior discussion wasn’t, I can’t imagine aftercare was either.
A long time ago, I once read on another kinky blog about a sub who was flogged to the point where he began to cry. While I honestly can’t remember 100%, I do seem to recall the blog saying there was a safeword given, but he, as a sub, didn’t use it. He wanted to push himself, and I believe he was at a point where his back was raw and bloody. He did reflect that there was aftercare, and the event was a cathartic one that really changed his self-perception. While I’m not sure that would necessarily by my own cup of tea, at least the control was in the sub’s own hands, and the Dom gave aftercare, so to me, that’s about as safe as that scenario can get.
Pushing limits can be okay, but as contradictory as it sounds, there can be safe ways to do it.
