Losing a friendship

I’ve depressed over this for a while. A few months ago, I had a wonderful and fun relationship with a guy I’ll call Slave H. We met as kinky play pals, but our relationship evolved to also being friends outside of kink. We’ve known each other for 3 years, and have had multiple scenes that were some of the favorites I’ve ever had.

But then during a casual text conversation, I said something insensitive, meant to be a joke. And he was very offended. And he has every right to be. I regret very much what I said to him. It was not a proud moment for me. I apologized immediately, but I still didn’t hear from him for a while.

After a few weeks of silence, I apologized to him again. He did say he was very hurt, and would likely get over it, but needed some time. It was hard for me, because we used to text every 1-2 weeks, if not more. But I would do it. We both each had a non-kinky twitter (I don’t believe he has a kinky twitter), and we followed each other and often replied or liked each other’s posts.

Since the incident, he unfollowed me on twitter–but he didn’t block me. I still followed him, but after a while, it broke my heart every time I saw a tweet from him, because I so often wanted to like or reply. I decided to mute his twitter to give both him (and me) space. It’s been difficult. I still check his twitter about once a week because I miss him, though I refrain from liking or commenting to give him his space. I’ve checked in with with him via a brief text about every 3-4 weeks, which has been hard enough to wait that long, but still no response from him. And it’s made me very sad.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have my husband, and I am very happy with him. But Slave H was a very special guy, and I had a lot of fun with him, both kinky and not. It’s heartbreaking to me that 3 years of friendship have seemingly abruptly ended by a short single text from me.

I do have to take responsibility for it. And I sadly can’t take it back. And in a way, that’s what made it worse. That I know it was my fault.

This incident happened before COVID-19 struck. So I’ve even been doubly worried about him… he’s a young guy living on his own. Many in the Los Angeles area have lost jobs. He seems to be okay as far as I can tell, based on what I see on his twitter. While he’s in the Southern California area, we live about 45 minutes apart, and are still in stay at home orders (as I write this, they are slowly being lifted, but I don’t think it’d be safe to visit him in person even if he wanted to see me).

I know he occasionally used to visit this blog, and if he does, I hope he sees that I’d really like to have him back in my life. That I really support him, and all he does. I see so many things that remind me of him that I want to share with him. And that I want him back in my life, if he’ll have me.