Top 20 Ways to Use a Faggot’s Face

A faggot’s face is one of the most versatile appliances a Man can own. Here are 20 ways to maximize its use in your home:

1. Fuck it: This is obvious. A faggot’s throat is essentially a pussy with built-in suction power. Instead of jerking off with your hand, use your faggot’s mouth whenever you need to get off. You can lie back and set it on autopilot for a hands-free blowjob, or you can stand up and fuck the faggot’s face balls-deep as if it were a cunt. Your choice.

2. Spit on it: Sometimes, a Man just needs to spit. Too much saliva? A bad taste in your mouth? A loogie you need to cough up? Whatever kind of spit it is, call your faggot over and do it on his face or down his throat. The pig will be grateful.

3. Clean your ass with it: A faggot’s face makes a perfect asswipe. Don’t waste your money on toilet paper or soap. A faggot will clean your asshole no matter what condition it’s in. Have swamp ass driving on a hot day? Pull over and the faggot will clean your sweaty crack up in a jiffy. Need to take a dump? Make sure you’re faggot’s lying next to the toilet so you can take a seat on his face for a cleaning when you’re done. Just back from the gym? Don’t risk getting athlete’s foot in the gym showers; just go home and make your faggot eat you until you’re fresh again.

4. Piss down it: Unfortunately, most homes don’t come with urinals. As a result, your toilet probably gets covered in piss when you take a leak. Keep your toilet clean by using the faggot’s face, instead. The pig will drink every drop; you’ll never have to clean your toilet again.

5. Slap it: Bad day at work? Stub your toe? Pissed off at your buddy? Smack your faggot. You’ll feel better.

6. Use it as a footrest: Sure, you can put your feet up on an ottoman, or the coffeetable, but will it lick them for you when you do? Nope. A faggot’s face will. Try it. It’s a nice way to relax in front of the TV. Put your feet up on the faggot’s face and let it lick your foot funk while you chillax.

7. Use it as a kleenex: There are never tissues around when you need them. A faggot’s face will do nicely, though. Whether you need to full-on blow your nose, or just want to give it a good pick and need a place to wipe the boogers, your faggot’s face is the perfect solution.

8. Hang your laundry on it: Sometimes, a piece of dirty laundry just needs to air out before you wear it again or put it in the wash. A faggot’s face works great for this. Hang your dirty socks on it, for instance, or a pair of dirty underwear. The faggot will be happy to sit there like a laundry rack. Admittedly, it doesn’t work as well as bleach, but a faggot’s tongue can be useful for treating stains, too — especially cum stains, piss stains and shit stains, all of which it will happily suck from your dirty towels, underwear, socks and sheets.

9. Use it as a notepad: Need to write yourself a note? Use the faggot’s forehead. Whether it’s your grocery list or a phone number you need to write down, the faggot will wear it there for as long as you need it. Or, maybe you need to leave the faggot a message? You can write “faggot,” “pig” or “slut” on its forehead, too, so it remembers what it is when it looks in the mirror (faggots are dumb; they need reminders sometimes).

10. Burp and fart in it: Don’t be embarrassed. You’re a guy. When you belch and fart, you like to smell your own aroma. There’s no shame in it. But wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have to enjoy the smell by yourself? You like how your burps and farts smell; a faggot will give you validation by affirming that they do, indeed, smell awesome. Or, if you do it in his mouth when you have company over, there won’t be a smell at all, which makes you a good host.

11. Pour your beer on it: The beer at the bottom of the bottle is just backwash. You don’t want to drink it. So, pour it over the faggot. Plus, he’ll go fetch you a new one.

12. Use it as a napkin: When eating something messy, like ribs or a burger, keep your faggot kneeling beside you at the table. If he’s been a good faggot, allow him to lick your fingers clean. If not, you can just wipe them on his face. Either works.

13. Use it as an athletic supporter: Granted, you can’t use a faggot’s face when you’re playing sports or out jogging, but there are still times when your boys get tired of hanging and just need a little extra support. When that happens, call your faggot over and rest your nuts on his face. You keep them there while you watch TV or do work or whatever. The faggot will happily allow your balls to rest on his face in order to give them a break from hanging.

14. Sit on it: We’ve already established that a faggot’s face is a good asswipe. Even if your ass is clean, however, it can be useful to your ass by serving as a seat. It’s ergonomic, too, as a faggot’s face fits perfectly inside asscrack.

15. Use it as an erectile aid: Everyone has trouble getting their cock fully hard sometimes. A faggot’s face works well for this. No need for drugs. Stand over it, slap your cock against it a few times, and it will almost always give you full wood. If the face alone isn’t working, try slapping it against the faggot’s tongue, instead.

16. Use it as deodorant: Don’t waste your money on deodorant. Have your faggot clean your funky pits, instead.

17. Use it as a cum rag: You never know what to do with your load when you beat off. Sock? Towel? T-shirt? Kleenex? None of the above. Try a faggot’s face or throat, instead, for the easiest possible cleanup.

18. Use it to polish your shoes: A faggot’s tongue does an excellent job of cleaning dirty shoes and boots.

19. Use it to clean your toilet: A faggot’s face works well as a toilet. But in the event that you — or your guests — use the porcelain toilet, instead, the human toilet can clean it for you with its tongue. Piss stains and shit stains alike disappear when you use the “magic faggot eraser.” Likewise, take your faggot with you to restaurants, movies, the airport, the gym or the game; in the event that you need to use a public stall or urinal, the faggot will clean it for you first so you don’t have to deal with strangers’ filth.

20. Use it to gamble: You’re a gambling man. But you’re also fiscally conservative. Instead of betting cash, therefore, bet your faggot’s face. If you’re betting with buddies on the big game, for example, offer up your faggot’s face; winner gets to use the faggot’s face for a day for any and/or all of the above-mentioned 19 items!